Samuel Langhorne Clemens (30 November 1835 – 21 April 1910), known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American humorist, writer, entrepreneur, publisher, journalist, and lecturer. He is noted for his novels The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (1876) and Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1884), the latter often called "The Great American Novel". He was lauded as the "greatest humorist the United States has produced".
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect). ′Classic′ - a book which people praise and don't read. The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read. Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. When all else fails, write what your heart tells you. You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. Let us endeavour so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Life is short, Break the Rules. Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably And never regret ANYTHING That makes you smile. Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. Loyalty to country always. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it. The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it. It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you. In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear. Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.
Mark Twain Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. God created war so that Americans would learn geography. But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know. A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. Buy land, they're not making it anymore. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up. The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—'tis the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning. Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool. He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages. I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination. Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else. Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed. The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for. Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other. Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty. Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident. History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme. A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory. The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much. Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead. April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with. Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary. I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them. Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up! After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her. It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies. The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter. The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's. Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
Mark Twain There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable. Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat. There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water. Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned. Do something everyday that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.